28: HUMOUR

atheist and christian jokes and cartoons – fun for all the family

Xerox2601095

  • 12% of those questioned in an american poll said they thought Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife
  • “…my computer, which is by the way, an Apple Macintosh, which I chose initially because the bible proclaims that ‘those who look through the windows see dimly’ ( Eccl. 12:3)”
    (J.D.Crossan “The greatest prayer” p. 9)
  • “Like I tell people, that the Catholic Church is trying to modernize and produce a communion wafer with half the fat  and a third fewer calories. They call it ‘I can’t believe it’s not Jesus’ “.
    (V J Stenger “God and the folly of faith” p.23)
  • “One of my first year theology students thought that the word “Christ” was a surname so Jesus was actually the son of Mary Christ and Joseph Christ.”
    (Bart Ehrman “Jesus Interrupted”)
  • “A friend had to work very hard to convince an adult education class in her parish that Jesus was jewish, only to have somebody respond ‘But the blessed mother for sure is not’.”
    (Elizabeth Fiorenza   “In memory of her” )
  • “If Jesus returns to this world probably the last thing he wants to see is a crucifix!”
    (Bill Hick)
  • “…the feminist christmas card on which one sister observes to another: ‘After all, the birth of a man who thinks he’s god is not exactly an unusual event’.”
    (Don Cupitt “Jesus and Philosophy” p.92)
  • American seminary teacher starts the lesson by asking his students to open their Bibles to the Book of Hezekiah, and they all dutifully start looking for it…
  • Mother to little Susan “What’s that you’re  drawing dear?”
    Susan “It’s God, Mummy!”
    Mother “But dear, no one knows what God looks like”
    “Ah but they will know when I’ve finished!”
  • All things dull and ugly                    (to the tune of “All things bright and beautiful”)
    All creatures short and squat
    All things rude and nasty
    The Lord God made the lot
    Each little snake that poisons
    Each little wasp that stings
    He made their brutish venom
    He made their horrid wingsAll things sick and cancerous
    All evil great and small
    All things foul and dangerous
    The Lord God made them all
    Each nasty little hornet
    Each beastly little squid
    Who made the spiky urchin?
    Who made the shark? He did
    All things scabbed and ulcerous
    All pox both great and small
    Putrid foul and gangrenous
    The Lord God made the lot.
    (Monty Python)
  • Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent, and the serpent didn’t have a leg to stand on!
    (Nicky Gumbel, Alpha course)
  • Simon Mayo (BBC radio presenter) said he personally would rather be called a “Mountie” because of Jesus’ teaching, predominantly that of the Sermon on the Mount,  rather than a “Christian”  with all the horror that implies historically.
  • New Testament scholar Lloyd Pietersen on one of Bishop Tom Wright’s hypotheses: “Wright is wrong!”
  • “If Jesus came back to earth today, I’d love to show him round the Vatican!”
    (Malcolm Muggeridge)
  • “When God created man she was only practicing.”
  • “Remember, Jesus is just for Christmas, not for the rest of your life!”
    (spoof of  RSPCA ad “A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.”)
  • JESUS SAVES! (graffiti)
    (graffiti added “With Barclays Bank”)
  • New parishioner after evensong “I loved your sermon, vicar – it was like the peace and mercy of God!”
    Vicar “Oh that’s very gratifying, could you be more precise?”
    “It was like the peace of God because it “passeth all understanding” and like the mercy of God in that it “endureth for ever.”
  • Jack the cabby couldn’t get his mind off the two lovely women in his life: Maria and Carol. Which one should he ask to marry him? He just couldn’t decide and it was driving him nuts. Suddenly it hit him: he would ask God for help! Surely for something as important as this, God would give him a sign! He parked his taxi outside the very next church he saw and ran inside. He knelt in prayer for some time but no answer came and he began to doubt God’s ability to solve problems after all. “Carol or Maria” kept going around in his head.  Then he looked up and there, written on the wall right in front of him, was the answer he had been looking for engraved in letters of stone: “AVE MARIA”.
    (Nicky Gumbel “Alpha”)
  • Apropos ‘Camels and eyes of needles’ Ched Myers quotes F. Beuchner’s contemporary paraphrase: for wealthy North Americans it is harder to enter the Kingdom “than for Nelson Rockefeller to get through the night deposit slot of the First National City Bank!”
    (“Binding the strong man” p.275)
  • Irish comedian Dave Allen’s sign off line: “Good Night, and may your God go with you!”
  • Man with arms stretched out to the side “What a way to spend Easter!”
  • “I don’t care who you’re father is, you’re not walking on the water when I’m fishing!”
  • “The Book of Leviticus says that gay people are an abomination. They’re right! It comes right after the verse that says to touch the skin of a dead pig  is an abomination to God…which puts the NFL Super Bowl into serious question.” (Lev.11:7-11)
    (Tony Campolo in “Red Letter Christianity” (2012))
  • Feminist posters  at the demonstration against Pope Benedict in London, 2010
    “Hands off our eggs, Benedict!” and
    “Keep your rosaries off our ovaries!”
    “No Pope, No Grope!”
    (personal observation)
  • “If triangles had a God it would be triangular.”
    (?Montesqieu)
  • “…it’s easy to imagine that biblical revisionists won’t be satisfied until they discover that Jesus was really a bisexual, cross-dressing, whale- saving, tobacco-hating vegetarian African Queen who actually went to the temple to lobby for women’s rights.”
    (US Columnist Kathleen Parker)
  • I collect stories that illustrate the increasing unfamiliarity of people with the Christian story.
    (a) In a Danish church service the communion bread was broken into small pieces and put on a plate. A visitor asked whether this was meant for the birds and would be put outside after the service.
    (b)  In the Czech republic, a girl looked at a picture of the crucifixion  in an art gallery and asked: “Who did that to him?” Her friend replied “It was the communists.”
    (c) In England, a boy and his mother passed a crucifix outside a church on the way to school, and the boy asked her who the figure was. She didn’t know and asked at the coffee morning she later went to, if anyone else did. Only one of the 25 parents knew the answer.
    (Stuart Murray)
  • “If all the people who fell asleep in church on Sunday morning were laid out end to end…they would be a great deal more comfortable.”
    (Abraham Lincoln)
  • A vicar was taking a small boy round his church and showing him the memorials. “These are the names of those who died in the Services.” The boy asked, “Did they die at the morning service or at the evening service?”
    (Nicky Gumbel, Alpha book p.203)
  • “Are you 45 and getting nowhere? Why not consider the Christian ministry?”
    (recent advert in the church press)
  • Clergy are sometimes perceived as “Six days invisible, one day incomprehensible.”
    (Nicky Gumbel, Alpha book p.204)
  • “Onward Christian soldiers into heathen lands
    Prayer books in your pockets, rifles in your hands
    Take your happy tidings where trade can be done
    Spread the peaceful gospel with the Gatling gun.”
    (Gold Coast paper, 1905)
  • “A saint is just a sinner who has been dug up and edited.”
    (Frank Muir, English comedian)
  • What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
    “Make me one with everything.”
  • What did the hot dog vendor say to the Buddhist when he asked for his change?
    “All change comes from within.”
  • When Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby opened a new headquarters for the Evangelical Alliance, he joked that having an Archbishop of Canterbury in the building was “nothing an exorcism couldn’t cure.”
  • Two engineers were discussing the nature of God. The first said, “When you consider the complex structure of the skeleton and the muscles, it’s obvious that God must be a mechanical engineer.” The second said, “You’re wrong. Only a civil engineer would put a waste disposal pipeline right through a recreational area.”
  • New convert to priest on attending his first mass: “How many of these communion wafers do I have to eat before I’ve eaten the whole body of Christ?”
  • The pope abandons the Vatican in August for cool Castel Gondolfo – a sure if minor proof of his infallibility. (John Dominic Crossan “The  Power of parable”)
  • Christian speaker at Hyde Park corner “Who wants to go to heaven? Who wants to go to heaven?” Heckler: “I do! What time’s the next train?”
  • Famed protestant preacher and anti-catholic firebrand Rev Dr Ian Paisley to his Ulster congregation: “On Judgement Day be sure to fully prepared, for there will be a great wailing and gnashing of teeth!”
    Old Lady in front row “But I haven’t got any teeth!”
    Dr Paisley: “Teeth will be provided!”
  • According to ‘Johnny English’ in the spoof spy film of that name, the Archbishop of Canterbury has tattooed on his backside the words “Jesus is coming. Look busy!’
  • A lecturer in theology told his first year class that only one statement attributed to Jesus was agreed to be genuine. An eager member of the class immediately demanded to know which verse it was, to which the lecturer replied that he couldn’t remember!
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